Voice Over
by pyrat-xo
Summary: One Piece dub on crack.
1. Dull

**Dull**

XO

"Sooo..."

Usopp's mouth shut as suddenly as it had opened when Zoro's sword found its way under his nose.

"Not a word," the swordsman hissed around the sword in his mouth as he wrung out his shirt, then whatever parts of his pants he could reach without having to take them off.

Kicking a Navy-issue watergun out the window and into the horizon, Zoro ducked as a marine launched a kick at his head, dropped his sword and grabbed the offending party by the collar and hauled the man after his gun.

"Find Luffy. Get the Goi-- _Merry Go_-- and _find Nami_. Rest of the crew should be on the ship. That bas- uh, cruddy cook... must be in some hot... water... right... now."

Usopp winced at Zoro's dark look and retreated from the armory of their most recent marine stronghold while Zoro began testing marine capguns on the men surging into the room.

XO


	2. Sweet

**Sweet**

XO

Sanji, purely out of habit, made to shut his mouth and grind in an irritated manner on the butt of his cigarette. In doing so, however, he nearly lost every tooth in his mouth.

Smothering a groan, Sanji turned his thoughts away from nicotine and onto the cleavage Nami-swan would be showing right now if she hadn't suddenly changed her mind from wearing a sexy green bikini set to a one-piece bathing suit.

It left a bad taste in his mouth.

The saucepan slipped just then, and Sanji caught it by the rim, no longer expecting the burn he would've avoided at all costs just last week. The changes weren't all that bad, after the first few sweaty, nightmarish weeks of withdrawal.

XO


	3. Water

**Water**

XOXO

"Hey, Zoro. Drinking contest?" Nami clinked two bottles in each hand together, grinning widely.

"Ahh, the beautiful Nami-san is so _competitive,_" Sanji crooned around the candy in his mouth.

Luffy clapped with his feet.

"Sure." He did, after all, need something to take his mind off all those damnable marines. The navigator tossed him two of the bottles, one of which he immediately popped the cork off of and began to drink. Nami, slightly slower, had swallowed about three mouthfuls before stopping.

"It's water."

"Drink it anyway," Zoro quipped before emptying his first bottle and picking up another. "Or you lose."

Nami whapped him over the head. Not hard enough to break the half-full bottle she had used, but it got his attention at least. "You. Can't. Get. Drunk. On. _Water,_" she ground through clenched teeth, ready to hit him with the bottle again for being so stupid, but he didn't seem to notice until she had poked him in the ribs with a pointy-toed boot.

"I can try," was Zoro's only reply before he duly emptied the second.

XOXO


	4. The Girl Who Lived

The Girl Who Lived

XO

"Give," snarled Kuina around the sword in her mouth, "me back my sword."

Zoro stared. Kuina growled.

"You're dead," the green-haired swordsman said slowly, very sure about at least this one thing.

Kuina's grin widened ferally, sheathing her sword with her teeth. "Think back reeeeaaal hard, you little punk."

_"I'm sorry, Zoro. Kuina received an injury that assured she would no longer be able to become a swordsman..."_

_"Nooooooooooooo!"_

"But you died! We had a funeral and everything! And then you got hurt and... what happened to your hands?"

"I dunno. I just woke up one day and they were gone. As if having no hands was gonna stop me... Can I have my Wadou back? I've been chasing you all over the Grand Line. Ran into Hawkeyes, too. Said he knew you and den-den-mushi'd a few people and then pointed me in your captain's direction and... yeah. Can I have my sword back?"

"Uhh, yeah. Sure. Guess that means I'll need another one." Zoro handed back his most treasured possession-- the white sword. But if Kuina wasn't dead, then it wouldn't really be a most treasured possession anymore because he only took it to achieve their dreams because she couldn't, and...

No big loss, then.

"Take this one!" Kuina smiled as she tucked the Wadou into her belt and handed over the one she had used to threaten him.

Zoro drew her-- now his-- sword in time to block the Wadou as Kuina charged him, stumbling back from the force of the blow.

"Gotten any better in ten years, moss-head?"

XO


	5. Runrunrun

**Smoke**

"Captain Smo-- Chaser!"

A vein in Smoker's temple began to twitch.

"Captain Chaser?"

Billowing smoke out of his mouth, Smoker tried hard to pretend that it was because he had a cigar in it, and not because he was now desperate for a bit of good old fashioned tobacco.

"Captain!" the Seargent Major yelled one more time, bursting out of the cabins, panting.

"What is it, Tashigi?"

"Why didn't you answer the first few--"

"Answer me this, Tashigi: when has my name ever been Chaser?"

"Well... The White Hunter is sometimes translated to White Chase? And you do chase pirates. Not to mention the notice from headquarters telling you last week that your name has been changed--"

"When has my name ever been something other than Smoker? Do I ever listen to HQ anyway? And since when have I ever had to _chase_ pirates?"

"Well, sir, you couldn't have been born with the name Smoker."

"Better than Cecil."

"Sir, I didn't hear you clearly? And no, sir, you never listen to headquarters."

"Nothing. Go polish Shigure."

XOXO


	6. Hot

XO

"Trace," Ace muttered, running a finger along the edge of the notice from _Government_ _HQ_, of all places.

"I'm not paying for this," he told the messanger pelican who, at this point, was looking positively scandalized.

Folding it up, Ace snagged the strap of the pelican's bag and tucked the letter into a side pocket, left side of his face turning conveniently into a plume of flame as the bird flailed and pecked in alarm, beak passing through where his left eye had been.

"I'll take the news, though," Ace reassured it, forking over some coins and scratching absently at where the tattoo on his arm used to be. He must've gotten drunk one night and had it removed, but he sure as hell hoped the one on his back was still there.

He hadn't seen a mirror in months, though.

And Ace wasn't worried, no.

But getting it done again would hurt like a _bitch._

XO


End file.
